The Sugar-High Saga
by Ennrian Iris
Summary: *Updated to Chapter 2* PG-13 for language. Humorous mini-series about a teen-aged witch and her adventures with the ancient book, 'The Sugar-High Saga'.
1. Spoonful One

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. They are property of the amazing J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. Satee is mine, as well as Xalex and any other made up characters in the story.

The Sugar-High Saga: Spoonful One

Xalex(about 6 years old): What dat? **looking at sister's bookshelf, sees a thick, leather-bound book entitled "The Suger-High Saga". Pulls out the book**

Sugar-High Saga: **Falls open**

Xalex: Ooooooooo! Pretty picture! **Turns page**

S-HS: **booms loudly** DO NOT TURN THIS PAGE UNLESS YOU ARE SATEE HELMAN! (a/n: yes, the book can talk)

Xalex: **turns page anyway, sees a picture of a spoon next to a bowl of sugar. Touches page**

Spoon: **pops out of page**

Bowl of Sugar: **pops out of page**

Satee: **Runs into room, dives for bowl and spoon** Xalex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not turn that page! **Scoops up a spoonful of sugar, eats it**

Xalex: **Turns page anyway**

Harry Potter: **pops out of page**

Hermione Granger: **pops out of page in a bikini with a thong back**

Satee: XALEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **chases Xalex around room**

Xalex: **being chased** Help me, God!!!!!!!!

Ron Weasley: **pops out of page** You rang?

Hermione: Oh, geez, Ron, that is sooo old. And who put me in this bikini? **blushes**

Satee: **still chasing Xalex** Sorry, Hermione! My stupid twit of a little brother must have been thinking of you in one when he turned the page!

Harry: **Checks out Hermione** Smart kid. Knows what looks good. **makes tiger growling noise at Hermione**

Hermione: **slaps Harry**

Ron: **drools**

Hermione: **slaps Ron**

Satee: **wrestling Xalex**

Xalex: **losing the match**

Professor McGonagall: **pops out of page** STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!

Everyone: **freezes**

McGonagall: **eyes flashing** I am very disappointed in you all!

Hermione: I'm so ashamed! **starts kissing McGonagall's feet**

Ron: **rolls eyes**

Harry: **rolls eyes**

Satee: **spoonful of sugar finally gets to her system, goes hyper**

McGonagall: What is wrong with that spastic girl?

Xalex: **totally forgetting he hates his sister** Hey! My sister's not spastic! **kicks McGonagall in the shin**

McGonagall: **crumples to the floor** @&^#@&#_! Demon child!

Harry: **cracks up**

Hermione: **gets mad at Xalex for hurting her favorite teacher** DIE DEMON CHILD! ** pulls wand out of cleavage** POLKA AUDIA SPEAKA!

Xalex: **gets gagged by Hermione's spell with polka dot duct tape**

Hermione: STICKI GLUA!

Xalex: **flies through the air and gets stuck to the wall**

Satee: **finishes getting pre-sugar-high jitters out. Is now officially sugar-high** NELLYRAPPA COUNTRY GRAMMARICA ASINGA! **giggles insanely while pointing wand at Hermione**

Hermione: **starts singing Country Grammar**

Satee: **points wand at little brother** GOOBIGONEI!

Xalex: **falls off of wall, duct tape comes off mouth**

Satee: **points wand again at Xalex** Kickumus Gluteus Maximus!

Xalex: **starts kicking his own butt**

Everyone but Xalex: **laughs hysterically**

Harry: **jumps on Hermione**

Hermione: **screams**

Fleur Delacour: **pops out of page**

Ron: **Drools**

Fleur: Ztop drooling you fool. Vhat eez wrong vifh you? 'Aven't you ever zeen a part-veela beefore? Oh, vait, only me…

Ron: **drools**

Hermione: **gives Harry piggyback ride** Hey, if he won't get off, I might as well make something of it!

Ron: **makes a move for Fleur**

Fleur: **steps on Ron's foot, knees him in the nuts, and hits him in the nose** No! No! No! (a/n: you'll only get that if you've seen a certain show of Oprah)

Ron: **rolls on the floor holding his groin area**

Xalex: **continues to kick his own butt while laughing at Ron**

Satee: Xalex! Ron is in pain! Don't laugh at him!

Xalex: **continues to laugh**

Satee: **rushes up to Ron** Oh, you poor thing. Let me fix that for you (a/n: don't you dare think that is nasty or I will hunt you down and shoot you). HURTI NO MOORA! BRUISA LEFFA!

Ron: **Looks up into Satee's eyes**

Cheesy Lovey-Dovey Music: **plays**

Ron: You saved the lives of my future children!

Satee: **in a dreamy voice** You're welcome.

Hearts: **popping out of Ron's and Satee's ears**

Fleur: **furious** Shove eet leettle missy!

Satee: Bring it on, bitch!

Fleur: Now zat eez too far! **screams a war cry**

Satee: **attacks Fleur**

Xalex: **laughs hysterically at Fleur's pitiful attempts to fight**

Harry: Is that all that kid can do is laugh?

Hermione: **shrugs**

Harry: **gets off Hermione**

Hermione: **clings to Harry** No! Don't leave! I've gotten used to you!

Harry: **jumps back on**

Hermione: Yay! ** trots around with Harry on her back**

McGonagall: **stares dumbfoundedly at all the odd behavior in the room**

Xalex: **stops laughing**

Everybody except Xalex: **stops what they're doing to stare in shock** HE STOPPED!

Xalex: What?

Satee: **goes back to beating up Fleur**

Fleur: **continues to be beaten up**

Xalex: **starts laughing again**

Harry: NOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! **gets off Hermione** NI LAFFA MOORA!

Xalex: **practically chokes on giggles, can't laugh anymore**

Harry: Haha!!!!!!! You are such a fool!

Xalex: **growls at Harry**

Harry: For God's sake, kid, you aren't a bulldog. You're a friggin' wiz--

Hermione: **cuts Harry off with a big sloppy wet kiss**

Xalex: **starts whining because he's not the one Hermione is kissing**

Hermione: **stops kissing Harry** You're six years old, ya little perverted toddler!

Xalex: I'm mature for my age!

Hermione: Whatever. **starts kissing Harry again**

Ron: Satee! Watch out!

Fleur: **hurtles self once again at Satee**

Satee: **dodges**

Fleur: ** misses Satee, rams into the wall, gets knocked out cold**

Satee: You saved my consciousness, Ron! **pins Ron**

Ron: Hey now. (a/n: you'll only get that if you know a certain Aaron in the world. And those of you who do know him: do not become sick little people that think that's symbolic of me and him!) **Starts making out with Satee**

Xalex: Eeeeeeeeeew!

Satee: **stops kissing** You are SO immature! **starts kissing again**

Fleur: **coming to**

Xalex: **runs over to S-HS, flips page**

Draco Malfoy: **pops out of page** My, my, what do we have here? **referring to Fleur**

Fleur: **while rubbing bump on head** 'Oo am I? Vhere am I? Vhy can't I reemeember anyzing?

Draco: **realizing Fleur has Amnesia, he thinks fast** Uh, you're my wife, beautiful.

Hermione: **stops kidding Harry, jaw drops**

Harry: **shocked that even Draco would lie about that**

McGonagall: **busy restraining Xalex from trying to kick Ron off Satee**

Xalex: **fighting to get free**

Fleur: Reelly? Vell, I have a hot huzband. I'm lucky. But vhat eez my name and vhere am I?

Draco: **grins and continues to lie** Your name is Fleur Malfoy. This is the home of our manipulator Satee Helman.

Fleur: Maneepulator?

Draco: Yeah. She, or whomever is turning the pages, controls when we appear, what we appear in, and SOME of our actions, but not all. Like she can't control this. **kisses Fleur**

Fleur: Vell, a leettle feisty one, areen't you?

Draco: **still lying** Just an example.

Harry: Draco, you are so full of it.

Draco: Oh, really? Then why don't we see what you're full of? **attacks Harry**

McGonagall: **shakes head disapprovingly** That's the second fight tonight! 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR AND SLYTHERIN!

Draco: **stops attacking Harry, starts attacking McGonagall**

Harry: **does the same**

Hermione: I never thought I'd see those two fighting together instead of against each other.

Harry: Well, Satee would probably make me help anyway! Plus, it's just flat out unfair that she take points away from her own house!

Hermione: **rolls eyes**

Harry: **while still hitting McGonagall** What?!

Satee: STOOOOOOOOP!

Everyone: **stops what they're doing and stares at Satee**

McGonagall: **breathing heavily—fighting off rabid students is hard work!**

Satee: You realize this is just going to get even more points taken away, right?

Harry & Draco: Ummm... guess you're right. **start kissing McGonagall's feet**

McGonagall: **smirks triumphantly** That's what I thought.

Satee: **smacks her head with her hand**

Ron: What's wrong, my darling sugar plum fairy?

Satee: **totally forgets what's wrong and melts into Ron's arms**

McGonagall: **rolls eyes**

Harry: Good idea, Ron! **starts making out with Hermione**

Xalex: **strangely overcome by McGonagall's 'charming good looks' goes over to McGonagall** Minerva, will you marry me?

McGonagall: What the heck?!?!?! You're six years old! No! Of course not!

Xalex: **bawling**

Fleur: **rushes up to Xalex** Vhat eez wrong leetle boy?

Xalex: **sniffs, looks up at Fleur** I … I… **forgets everything that just happens. Is falling, falling, falling for Fleur**

Fleur: Yez? I? Eez zat all 'oo can zay?

Xalex: No! Wow, you're hot!

Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **tackles Xalex**

Fleur: Huzband?! Vhat it zees all about? Vhy are you attacking zees poor boy?

Draco: He's being a fox! He's trying to take you from me!

Satee: **reluctantly stops kissing Ron** And like you're not being a fox Mr. Malfoy? You're not married to her! You wish!

Fleur: **isn't listening, to Draco's advantage**

Draco: **kisses Fleur, making his tongue quit visible, purposely torturing Xalex**

Fleur: **hits her head accidentally as Draco pins her against the wall. Shoves Draco away, spits, trying to get rid of his saliva his tongue left in her mouth** VHAT ZEE HECK DO 'OO ZINK 'OO ARE DOING?!?!

Xalex: **laughs, pointing a finger at Draco** Ha ha! She got her memory back when she bumped her head! She not your fake wife anymore!

Fleur: **bitch slaps Draco** 'OO FEELTH!

Draco: **whimpers and scuttles away, diving back into the S-HS**

Satee: Ron, I've had a great time, but I think you should leave, my parents will be back, and if they know I've been messing with the Sugar-High Saga, they'll absolutely kill me!

Ron: **frowns** Fine… **gives Satee one last, sorrowful French kiss**

Satee: G'bye, my ickle Ronnikins!

Ron: Goodbye, my sugar-coated sweetheart! **dives into S-HS**

Xalex: **pukes all over the floor at the sickening pet-names Ron and Satee called each other**

Satee: Xalex! You know you're not supposed to puke when Mom's not home! Clean up this mess!

Fleur: Zatee, I vill be goeeng, I reely need to shower and brush my teeth after zat feelthy aneemal keezed me. **jumps in after Ron**

Harry: **breaking kiss with Hermione for air** Hermi, we gotta go. Ya know, to that hotel room in the Saga. It doesn't have a six-year-old there. **glares at Xalex**

Xalex: **sticks out tongue, still hasn't cleaned up his puke**

Harry and Hermione: **jump into S-HS together**

Satee: **sighs** McGonagall?

McGonagall: I'm leaving, I'm leaving… **jumps in after the couple**

Satee: Xalex!

Xalex: What?!

Satee: I told you to clean that up!

Xalex: **rolls eyes**

Satee: **hears garage door opening** Mom and dad are home!

Xalex: **reluctantly pulls out wand** DISA PYOOKO!

Puddle of puke: **disappears, but leaves the smell of upchucked, half-digested food**

Satee: **while holding nose, and waving wand** GLAYD PLUKGINNS!

Room: **replaces the smell of puke with the smell of lavender**

Satee: **inhales** Ahhhh, such a wonderful smell.

Xalex: **scrunches up face** Eeeew! Girly smells! **runs out of room**

Door: **from several rooms away: creaks open, then slams**

Satee's parents: **from several rooms away** We're home!

Satee: **picks up S-HS, puts it back on shelf** I guess I'll just have to use you without Xalex around next time… **rushes out of room to greet parents**

*~*~*

A/N: SO? WHAT'D YA THINK? PLEEEEASE REVIEW! If ya have any questions, feel free to mail me @ [sapphireprincess2000@hotmail.com][1].

   [1]: mailto:sapphireprincess2000@hotmail.com



	2. Spoonful Two

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the H

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the H.P. characters

Sugar-High Saga: Spoonful Two

Satee: **flops down onto couch** **sighs** Finally! No annoying little prat around!

Sugar-High Saga: **waiting patiently on the bookshelf in Satee's room**

Satee: **yawns** **curls up on the couch to read**

S-HS: **from other room** **no longer patient** SATEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Satee: **panicking** WHAT THE—?!

S-HS: TAKE ME OFF THE SHELF!

Satee: **realizes it's the S-HS in relief** **trots into her room**

S-HS: **falls from shelf, opening to the page with the bowl and spoon**

Satee: Ah, yes, home alone. A chance to really work my magic! **touches page**

Bowl of sugar: **pops out of page**

Spoon: **pops out of page**

Satee: **downs a spoonful of sugar**

Bowl: **returns to page**

Spoon: **returns to page**

Satee: **turns page**

Ron Weasley: **pops out of S-HS** SUGARCOATED HONEY-SUCKLE!

Satee: LOVEYKINS! **flings her arms around Ron's neck**

A random red-haired baby (or is it that random?): **pops out of S-HS** **wails**

Ron: **questioning glance**

Satee: **blushes** Heh… heh… yeah… um…

Ron: Well?

Satee: Oh, alright! Alright! I admit it! I can't help my nasty mind! You… you just… you make it lose control. **bats eyelashes**

Ron: Aww, how can I resist those eyes? **kisses Satee deeply**

Harry Potter: **pops out of S-HS**

Hermione Granger: **pops out of S-HS, holding Harry's hand**

Harry: RON?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? J.K. ROWLING _HATES_ MARY SUES IN _RELATIONSHIPS_ WITH HER CHARACTERS!

Satee: **slumps onto the floor crying—she hates it when people call her the slang term of what she is**

Ron: You didn't seem to mind last time!

Harry: I was busy doing other things!

Ron: YEAH, I KNOW! LIKE FUCKING HERMIONE!

Hermione: **slumps onto the floor, crying in a really, REALLY high-pitched tone, very similar to Satee**

Harry: I DID NOT DO—WELL—_THAT_! I DID ONLY WHAT YOU TWO WERE DOING JUST NOW!

Ron: What if what we were doing just n—

Satee: **wailing gets loader as Xalex bounds into the room** WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE RUINING MY HOME ALONE TIME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Xalex: Sheesh! I just— WHOA! Look at the bitch slappin' that dude packs!

Harry: **slaps Ron**

Ron: **laughing with that unpleasant tone of an insane escaped convict** IS THAT ALL YOU CAN DO IS SLAP ME?! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GIRLY MAN! **jumps Harry** **punches the bloody snot (literally) out of Harry's face**

Hermione: **wails harder** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RON! STOP IT!!!! PLEASE!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BEST FRIENDS!!!! DON'T HURT HARRY! I—I—I LOVE HIM! 

Everyone except Xalex: **freezes**

Xalex: **laughs REALLY loud**

Harry: **glares daggers at Xalex**

Xalex: **promptly shuts up**

Hermione: **sniffs**

Cheesy Lovey-Dovey Music (a/n: have ya noticed I just HAVE to make this a part of every Spoonful?): **plays**

Harry: Really?

Hermione: **nods**

Hearts: **replace Harry's pupils**

Harry: **grabs face** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY FUCKING EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: **suddenly forgets he's mad at Harry** SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR!

Draco Malfoy: **pops out of S-HS** You asked for a doctor, I arrived within thirty minutes. Where's my extra pay upon arriving promptly and where's my patient?

Ron: Damn you, Malfoy! You're not a God damn doctor!

Draco: **shoves nose in air** I resent that statement.

Ron: Who cares? Look, if we can't get a doctor, I guess I'll just have to do it!

Hermione: Be careful, Ron!

Ron: Satee, you can be my naughty night nurse. **winks**

Satee: **giggles** **runs up to Ron and the shrieking Harry** What can I do?

Time: **passes**

Ron: **'dusts off' hands** There, good as new. **moves out of way for Hermione to see**

Hermione: **grins** **then sees Harry** **smile falters** He... his… his beautiful green eyes! They're… they're… red!

Harry: OMIGOD! THEY ARE?! RON?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?! **grabs Ron by the collar of his shirt**

Ron: Oh, heh, sorry 'bout that. **pulls out wand** EMRELDIDAE!

Harry's eyes: **return to a beautiful green**

Ron: Red's a side affect of the whole heart thing… ya know… hearts are red after all.

Hermione and Harry: THANK YOU, RON!!!!!!

Ron: **in a mocking tone** Yes, you know you love me.

Harry: **stares in disbelief**

Ron: Not in that way, stooge!

Harry: Phew!

Xalex: **getting 'antsy'** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!

Satee: 'Ew' what, you little ugly carrier of the 'annoying-disease'?

Xalex: Snot head!

Satee: Booger butt!

Xalex: Whore!

Satee: HEY! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT WORD YOUNG MAN?!

Harry, Ron, Draco, and Hermione: **in background** **stifling laughs**

Xalex: From that pretty lady!

Satee: Exactly _what_ pretty lady?

Xalex: You know, that one that Mr. Lies-A-Lot took advantage of when she got amnemeesia.

Satee: It's amnesia. But anyway… NEVER say that word again, do you hear me?

Xalex: But you say worse stuff all the time like b—

Satee: HEY!

Xalex: **whimpers**

Satee: Oh, shush.

Xalex: **forcefully** No.

Satee: Excuse me?

Xalex: Yeah, you heard me. _No._

Ron: You little brat, listen to your sister.

Xalex: _NO._

Draco: Yeah, you heard the midget. _No._ **smirks**

Harry: Oh, shut _up_ will you?

Draco: **catching on** No.

Everyone except Draco and Xalex: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Xalex: **whimpers**

Draco: Hey! Don't give up, little dude! No! C'mon, say it with me! No!

Xalex: **looks at Draco funny**

Draco: _What_? You were practically doing the same thing! Don't look at me like I'm insane!

Xalex: **kicks Draco in the nuts** **laughs maniacally**

Draco: **doubles over**

Everyone but Draco: **starts laughing hysterically**

Mrs. Norris: **pops out of S-HS**

Harry: What the _hell_ is she doing here?!

Satee: Heh…

Harry and Hermione: **glare at Satee**

Satee: It was an accident! I swear! I was thinking how awesome it would be for a cat to start attacking Draco and I guess the Saga thought that…

Mrs. Norris: **goes on rampage**

Everyone except for Draco who is too busy nursing his 'wounds': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S THE CAT FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Norris: **scratching everybody**

Satee: **faints**

Ron: **gets REALLY pissed at the cat for scratching Satee up to the point of fainting** YOU BLOODY MOTHER—

Hermione and Harry: **scolding** Ron!

Ron: **ignores H & H** **attacks the rampaging Mrs. Norris**

Xalex: Awesome!

Ron and Mrs. Norris: **wrestling**

Ten minutes of wrestling: **passes**

Ron: **gets up** **wipes blood off of lip**

Mrs. Norris: **very bruised** **unconscious**

Ron: Damn, that bitch puts up a fight!

Satee: **coming to** Wha… what happened?

Ron: **rushes to Satee's aid** Are you alright, my little cream puff?

Satee: **nods slowly** **kisses Ron**

Xalex: **rolls eyes**

Satee: **notices the unconscious, beat-up cat in the middle of the floor** **banishes Mrs. Norris back to the S-HS**

Draco: **feeling better**

Xalex: **laughs insanely** **turns the page before anyone can stop him**

McGonagall: **pops out of S-HS**

Everyone but Xalex: **groans**

Draco: Not McCrap-agall again!

Satee: **rolls eyes** REEEEEEEAL original, Malfoy.

McGonagal: All of you have been very, very bad children!

Everyone but Xalex: FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN-WHO-NEEDS-A-PUSH-UP-BRA, WE'RE NOT CHILDREN!

McGonagall: **gasps** Hoe _rude_!

Ron: Ah, shove-it, saggy-skin!

McGonagall: Hmph! **pulls out wand**

Everyone else: **scatters to escape her wrath**

McGonagall: That's what I thought! Now if—

Satee's parents: **from distant end of house** We're hooome!

Satee: Shit!

McGonagall: **disappears**

Satee: **banishes Draco, Harry, and Hermione into S-HS after waving good-bye**

Ron: Good-bye, moon pearl. **kisses Satee**

Satee: Good-bye, love. **hugs Ron**

Xalex: **disgusted** YUCK!

Ron: **vanishes into S-HS**

Satee: **sighs longingly** **turns to Xalex** Get out of here!

Xalex: **shoots off for fear of being in trouble with his parents for being in Satee's room**

Satee: **hurriedly shoves S-HS into shelf** **flops onto bed** **sighs** Maybe next time I'll truly get to be Xalex-and-parent-free…

~*~

A/N: Review puh-leeyas (please). Next Spoonful: Satee and Ron get some time alone! (But VERY _little_ time)


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